Twilight Breaking Dawn pt 1 (12a)
Dir. Bill Condon
Reviewed by Matt Adcock
“No measure of time with you will be long enough. But we'll start with forever.“ Edward Cullen.
– Breaking Dawn pt 1 certainly feels like it takes forever to get anywhere plot wise…
The end you see is finally in sight for Emo girl Bella (Kirsten Stewart) and her beloved sparkly vampire Edward (Robert Pattinson)… Oh and let’s not forget hunky werewolf Jacob (Taylor Lautner) – who is the hairy side of this supernaturally dramatic love triangle.
If you’ve been following these film adaptations of Stephenie Meyer's ploddingly pedestrian novels you’re probably in one of two camps. Either you think they are rubbish (and are a bloke) or you love them and squeal out loud at the thought of the male stars (in which case you’re probably a thirteen year old girl, although my cousin Anne also does this and she’s older than me *ahem, over forty, ahem*).
So after seeing Harry Potter make mucho money by splitting the last book into two films the Twilight franchise follows suit – which again leaves the viewers with a ‘filler’ film that has no conclusion. Of course that doesn’t matter to the tween females of the world who are content to scream at the shirtless smouldering young men on offer here – but it really hurts the pacing of the story as every little thing is drawn out by new to the franchise director Bill Condon.
"wolf boy delivery services were proving popular with the girls"
Having mildly suffered through the first 3 twilight films in order to bring you reviews, I thought it only fair to get a comment from one of the self confessed Twi-Hard fans – thirteen year old Rebekah Middleditch and she said: “this film was incredible it was the best one out of them all and my favourite is Jacob, I also can't wait till part 2 comes out.”
In a nutshell Breaking Yawn, sorry, Dawn tells of how Bella gets married, has sex with Edward (who being over a hundred years old probably thought he was past being able to knock anyone up). But before you can say ‘condom?’ Bella is with half human / half vampire child, which brings an unforeseen and shocking development for Jacob…
The film tries to build to a shock climax by veering into bloody birth horror lite as the spawn of Edward might just be the death of Bella!? It’s all a bit creaky but looks good in a stilted kind of way – and if you’re a fan do stay to see the after credit extra scene designed to build up anticipation for part 2!?
Out of a potential 5 you have to go with a Darkmatters:
2.5 – Slow and pointless unless you’re in love in R Pat or Taylor Lautner
Awesomeness ö – nothing very awesome here
Laughs öö – some of the acting is laughable
Horror ööö – chewing through belly to get baby out anyone?
Babes ööö – Stewart looks good in places
Spiritual Enlightenment öö – if you do fall for a vampire at least practice safe sex!?
"vampires - slippery when wet..."